Gosh, it sucks when you want somethings and you cant bloody well have them..Lusting over things can be a tadbit too exhausting..But yours truly shall wait. so for a while now, i've been cooing over some delicious buys...so for those of you out there who love me silly...Yes u can!!!
Still no sign of Bode....heaving a deep sigh, i scanned round the dancefloor hoping to make eye contact with bukky the 'not so popular miss i know everybody ' but alas, she wasnt there,probably groping some random boy just to make bode green with envy, which was a waste of time considering the fact that he didnt exactly Fancy her...Girlssss!!!
At this point, I could feel a deep frown forming on my face, Maybe i shouldnt have come here...should have headed straight home after lesson, Dad won't be too pleased about my 'after lesson' rendezvous...So many thoughts running through my mind....Okay i'm leaving..That's it, this was a bad idea.I need to get out of here..
'You look bored, not your kind of party'..a voice said
'Sorry'...I irritatingly replied
I hadn't batted an eyelash before she replied ....'Hello, my name is kikelomo'...she said with a winsomely smile on her round face..
'Funlola'..I replied hastily hoping she would get the memo that i was in no mood for small talk..
Well..let's just say she didnt stop talking and yes our beautiful friendship evolved from that very day..it's been thirteen odd years , we dont necessarily agree on everything..kike is the adventurous, free spiritied one but can still manage to differentiate between right and wrong..sometimes her split personality amazes me, in a good way tho....As for me, I'm neither here nor there...i try to do the right thing, at least i think i do from time to time.I like to think of myself as fun, lively in a quiet way..(dont know if that makes sense), even though kike has been prodding a lot in my business and she says i've become a bore and according to her my social life involves watching re-runs of soppy tv series and monthly retreat organized by my company.
Is she actually right, have i suddenly resolved to a reclusive lifestyle...hiding under the guise of feeling content and at peace within but different thoughts pouring through my mind...I feign a happy face in the midst of friends and family , put on a forced smile at every oohs and ahhs!!!..Sometimes i wish i could turn back the hands of time..undo the past...ended somethings before the idea even formed.
As i allow the cool heavenly breeze guide my thoughts , i remember the delicious nights at Hotel Balzac in Paris..His glorious laugh which rang out like bells on the night ..soothing yet deeply genuine, the way he pursed his lips when i refused to wear the Chopard earrings he got me to dinner at Le Pre Catelan..ohh he was intimidatingly imperious, insanely formidable, amazingly sweet, deliriously witty and yes yes Gorgeous...the way he cradled me in his arms when i moaned out a soft cry of bliss after the joyous lovemaking we had....He was my safe haven..
"Oh sorry, lost in thought'....I said, with an awkward smile on my face
"We've reached the airport'...he said while getting out of the car to get my Goyard hand luggage..
As i opened the car door, my heart starts to beat ten times faster than it normally does...Am i doing the right thing..Can i ? should i?..Is this wise...I know someone who would be more than pleased if i went back home..*sigh*
I wrote this a while ago...last year actually, a random story about characters that don't exist....
“Funlola, I don’t think you should go”.kikelomo’ my bestfriend of thirteen years tirelessly ranted over and over again while flicking through the channels on the tv..oh lawd! Are we really having this conversation again??I thought silently to myself. It’s been two weeks and five days and I had countlessly told her it was a harmless three day trip to London.....H.A.R.M.L.E.S.S!!!!
‘What do you hope to achieve by going, things are still going to be the way they were, so don’t get your hopes high lavie’.....She bluntly shouted.
I sighed deeply and placed the tee-shirt i had folded in my suitcase and in my most heart wrenching voice i calmly told her ‘Don’t you think i know that..as much as i’m in dire need of a miracle right now, I really want things to be different’
But yeah, whatever!
While she laid on my bed with the huge grin on her pretty face, I weakly smiled and remembered the first time we met at that groupie party my friend Bode who had a massive crush on me invited me to fourteen years ago..It all happened during summer school popularly known back then as ‘lesson’, I remember leaning on the rail by my class corridor with my ear phones on blasting to the sound of ‘TLC’s Scrubs’ on my sony walkman fervently hoping not to be disturbed by bode whom I had carefully managed to avoid over the weekend after his ridiculous attempt of writing me a love letter which he had placed in a red envelope with love stickers and handed to me as I was about getting into the dark brown Peugeot 504 whose horn was loudly blaring...Uncle Bala(my father’s driver) ‘s idea of a perfect entrance.............Memories!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone lightly tapped me on the shoulders and I pretended like i didn’t feel anything..until the unwanted stranger removed the
earphone on my left ear and i knew it had to be him , he was the only one bold enough to do that, his idea of Over Familiarity....
I turned sideways facing him and innocently smiled,........I really wanted to frown hoping he’ll get the message and leave me the hell alone but knowing him, he was relentless and had the patience of a newborn.
“I know you’ve been avoiding me”…..he mumbled
“And why would i do that”.....I teasingly replied
“You know why but we’ll talk about that after lesson”....he quietly said not wanting to be overheard by those walking by on the corridor.
Glancing at my swatch , i silently hoped he would do the right thing a normal teenager would do which was to walk away when he was clearly ignored or better still I needed a distraction from anywhere but nothing happened and i could hear my watch ticking fast...should I walk away, I mean, it’s not like he broke up with me or anything, so why was my palm sweaty..It definitely had to be the heat, it just had to be...
“Lola, are you coming as well”....Bukky ‘my lesson friend’ as i like to call her screamed while heading toward my direction, lorddddddd, that girl had the voice of a roaring lion, loud and ready to devour...
“Coming where”.I annoyingly replied as I stared at bode while he mouthed something which was obviously drowned by Bukky’s loud voice.
“The party now, the one happening after lesson.I thought Bode told you” she said while poking bode in the shoulder....everyone knew she had more than a crush on bode but he seemed unaware apparently...
Shrugging off her hand from his shoulder, with a ‘why did you do that expression ‘ on his face .he turned and said ‘A couple of guys are having a party after lesson and please don’t say you wont come”...
“I can’t”..i bluntly said
“I just can’t, what would I tell my father’s driver when he comes to pick me”...I said ,silently thinking of a million ways why I should go..It won’t hurt and i could bribe Uncle bala ...hmmmmmm
After much persuasion, I finally yielded .And as we drove to the party, i felt a slight rush of adrenaline,.Do I look presentable.. So I was wearing my black hipsters and a light green flowery top and my ever faithful ‘jelly’ sandals...was that appropriate for a party????..
We’re here, see you guys inside’.....bode happily said as he quickly jumped out of the car for fear of being recognised by the group of guys standing in front of the black iron gate which happened to be the entrance to the party we were going to.....Boysss!!
“Ma pe o(Don’t be late)”....Uncle Bala said and then drove off.
As I turned towards the gate, I firmly held bukky’s hand as we walked towards the guys at the entrance..Nerve racking, I tell you.there was a lot of ‘hey girls, babes and whistling here and then , Ignoring them we walked straight ahead and became drowned by the voice of Notorious B.I.G which was blaring loud from the massive speakers placed by the sliding doors..It was a packed house, bode was no where to be found....Perfect!!! just when i needed to cling to him and pretend we were an item ...Bukky had lightly extricated her hands from mine, leaving me to myself......
Not to be a dowdy old mistress, which i'm not by the way...Life is too short, amidst all d drama, failing to cease issues..I'm still reminded of my heavenly father..he will never leave me, things my prove difficult but i know there's a light at the end of the tunnel and he'll always make a way where there seems to be no way..It's 12.30 am( sunday)...Halleluyah somebody!!!!...currently on my playlist ..'Regina belle- God is good...For your listening pleasure..
Scattered thoughts like pecan and almonds icecream toppings...amidst the whole listening to r.kelly, nonsensical tweets via web, disgusting rumble from my belly..No i'm not having the time of my life..For starters, I'm starving ..too lazy to cook and yes my conscience keeps pricking me..I keep having this thoughts about a particular someone..
Suffice to mention the cliched 'To err is human, to forgive is divine'...but really is forgiveness really that easy, i know as christians we shouldn't harbor thoughts of malice and we should also have a forgiving spirit but why is it really so hard to forgive and forget..Someone hurts us and we kid ourselves that we've forgiven that person, truth is we still make reference to the things they have done.I keep asking God for the strength to forgive but it's just so hard, i'm constantly reminded of the hurt/betrayal and the only thing that keeps popping up is Revenge Revenge...According to a not so recent study 'people who nurse thoughts of unforgiveness, revenge are liable to have increased heart rates and high blood pressure'...and yes i kid u not as i type this post, I can feel my heart beat and i feel very fuzzy..question is ..is it from accumulated anger , irritation and annoyance towards that person???...
I wanna forgive so bad, i need grace but it's not easy , it hurts when at some point u used to love/ appreciate someone but now you don't even like them....*sigh*..or maybe u still like them but ur mind is clouded with so much hatred u find it difficult to think about the fab times u guys had.....Lord help me!!
Is there a way to go about forgiving someone???...Is it really possible to forgive someone and totally forget all their wrongdoings???
So for the past three days, I have experienced the famous 'writer's block'...nothing to write/vent about.. i woke up this morning listening to rihanna's 'Loud' album and as they say idea is need, so i thought to myself..why not write a/an not so interesting post on Men' and yes while doing that i randomly thought about the men in 'fani's little world..the unlucky sods, not so popular ones and the sweet albeit slightly annoying ones who wont just go away..why though??..oh well!!!...let me digress a bit and speak the gibberish language...I'm the type of person who doesn't put everything into a relationship, like for me there's a solid Plan b'..what's plan b??...okkk, plan b is that space in my heart where all the necessary flooding hurts, rejection, tears, sadness etc stay and yeah that part is totally unfeeling and stone cold...how u ask??..well..lets just say i create some sort of distraction so i avoid the 'mooning ' period..Yes!!!..it's totally silly and no one should have to do that, it ' Worked' for me then, but i'm changing all that...Amen
A lot of you might call me mean , even though i slightly agree with you..i'll make it clear that i Refuse/Wont settle for less..i'm not saying that my not so many boyfriends weren't fantastic but i just never saw that 'Future hubby' thingy in them..for me, future hubby isnt just someone who comes home with the kids screaming 'daddy daddy' all over our lush 'four bedroom terraced house'..i'm saying it's deeper than that..I want to be loved sillyyy...there are so many things i wanna say to that 'right person'...my darkest secrets, my fantasies, dreams and all, someone who accepts me for being me...Like i'm not part of that school of thought that believes 'Material stuff' must form the basis of a relationship, in as much as we all want 'the comfortable/well to do' man but really is it just about that. Call me mushy or anything but i want to be loved every single day of the rest of my life, as in i've been through so much not have a man who would dote on me silly, a man i can spill all the things i've always wanted to tell someone...Look, i'm not trying to be religious or anything cos i'm sure i can feel some people scrunching their aristocratic nose in the air or probably mumbling 'who is she fooling with this'..But i shall forever stand/live by Matthew 7:7-11 (7. Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you, 8.For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened....9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? 10.Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?) So really, why should i settle for less when my heavenly father has everything in control...As i said from my previous 'Mes Amis ' post, I live on positivity..Just because it didn't work for some people doesn't mean you won't find the right man ..i am tired of people's incessant rants about how there are no good guys there...Please just hush hush hush....there are guys out there looking for their own right woman, nobody said it would be easy, to get what you want you have to pray fervently, seek and you shall find..it's not just meeting the right man and then stop praying , in everything we do we need God's direction, strength and wisdom for a sustainable relationship. and please stop pointing those accusatory fingers just on men alone, have u sat down, reflected on your own life, most of us have terrible bad habits i.e anger, intolerance, dishonesty. etcetera....hmmm, I smell the ' ohh she thinks she's perfect'...I laugh at that thought already, Me..Perfect????...*snorts *...Err...Maybe when pigs fly, i don't even wanna talk about my many bad habits..If i could turn back the hands of time i would change so many things but hey, the did has been done...no point crying over spilled milk..(Live and Learn).... I've been single for a bit now and trust me i'm so working on improving myself, in the midst of my 'self professed independence' i have learnt to be patient which i find thoroughly overwhelming....I wouldn't say that i'm an angry monster but in the past my not-so many boyfriends i've spoken on the 'anger' issue..I'm learning to be more tolerant, a good listener and also being attentive to other people's needs, and i'm not saying that Guys are perfect as well cos if you ask me there are so many ill mannered morons out there who just wanna shag you, deceive you and treat you like a piece of shit.. a lot of us know the obvious but would still settle for less, like seriously why do we do that..we've suddenly decided thats the only man in the world..who told u that big fat lie??...If any man treats you like shit why do u even feel the need to give him a chance, such man should be flushed down the drain or tossed in the bin cos all i see/smell is GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE...life is too damn short to give urself unnecessary heartache because of some crackhead, if he ain't treating u right ..press the Delete button'...such man shouldn't be given a second thought. ....I'm not saying that it'll be easy, it's not late either..if someone keeps abusing you emotionally really why should u be in a relationship with that person when you can save yourself the energy /stress of being fully committed/married to that person....I recently spoke to an older person who said to me that if she could turn back the hands of time she wouldnt have married her 'then' hubby, she knew the relatonship/marriage was doomed from the start but she just kept hoping he'll change or some miracle would happen .*sigh*...Sometimes we keep asking God to save us from entering the wrong relationship and Yes he answers...He does!!!!...u r in a relationship and u start to see the bad side to a man u claim to love, the truth is right in front of you but no u decide 'being maltreated ' works perfectly for u..so really who is fooling who???...the signs are there but u still deny urself happiness and yes misery suits you perfectly like a size 8 herve leger bandage dress..Tut tut tut!!! Enough of the ceasless rants, it's doing my head in already and i might just shove my hands down my throat and Vom ...Please we need to stop limiting ourselves, the right man will come whether u choose to believe it or not...I soooo Believe!!!..I deserve it and so shall it be...The 'Independent phase' should serve as a medium to enjoy life, pay attention to yourself, work on yourself and learn learn learn learn..I have nothing more to say that share this beautiful quote by Domenico Cieri Estrada.."To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship". And yeah....it'll be totally unkind of me not to share rihanna's 'Raining men'....it's up to u really...Suffer in silence or be a free beautiful rainbow lorikeet'....
Even though i still think she looks deathly ill with her new bod, I guess it's really not my cup of tea what she does with her bod...anewais , for those of u who don't know J.hudson, she was a contestant on american idol, sadly she didn't win but hey she had /still has a powerful voice..the sorta voice that gives you the chills...u might know her from' dream girls'...don't tell me u didn't see that as well...*sigh*...well she has a new album out now called "I remember me" which is totally brilliant..it's an album filled with longing, it makes u wanna yearn for something, it makes u want to believe in love all over again and it's very soothing...As usual being the not -so music guru that i am, I already have my fave..(Yay)...for ur listening pleasure...
So being my random self, i've been doing a lot of ardous thinking which is totally unhealthy by the way..not necessarily with regards to 'Friends' but generally different issues in my life. well, not to digress, the question is what kind of a friend am i?..well for starters, if i could re-live my life, i'd still want to be my own friend..I go out of the way to please people just 'because'..The chosen few that i have, let's just say i love them to bits..Even when i'm in an uncomfortable situation whereby it's my last 20 pounds, i'd rather give it to my friend that needs it .Not trying to blow my own trumpet but truth is 'I'm very nice'.Not to focus much on the monetary aspect...so for a while now i've been going on and on about 'True Friends' bla bla.
Last night, on my way back from church, had this conversation with cocoa and Tee and i randomly asked them if they had friends who weren't necessarily bad but deep down within, you just knew you guys aren't meant to be friends...well, what am i driving at??..I like to think i've made a number of friends over the years, the unlucky ones have gone while the beautiful ones remain..okay!! let me explain this..I had this friend who i became chummy with by coincidence, I wont call her my closest friend but yes i have confided in her at some point but truth is she seems to be affilliated with negativity, in as much as she has her good days but with her it's just drama drama drama...PAUSE!!!!!....let me just say this, a lot of people might not know this but i live on 'Positivity'..it keeps me going, it has been my strength over the years, even when i'm faced with issues i like to think at the back of my mind that everything would be fine.....So back to my friend,it wasn't like i decided to cut her out of my life, truth is i really cant explain it but somewhere, somehow i just knew she wasn't the kind of friend i needed to have around me. so a while ago she sent me an email practically lambasting the living daylights outta my life...according to her, I like to think everything is perfect in 'fani's little world' .I mean this is a friend whom i met like 2 years ago , so i was rather perplexed as to why she'd think i was perfect..i mean do we really have perfect people out there...I mean she said so many things which i'd rather not say but what i'm trying to say is that why do some people find it difficult to move on with their lives..After all, 'Friendship isn't by force, it's by choice'..
I'm not a cold, heartless bitch..I mean if i could turn back the hands of time i'd want to tell a particular friend that i've totally forgiven her, even though we might probably never be as close as before But i still cherish the good times we have.I love the few friends that i have , they are practically my sisters and i'm forever thankful for them, each day i pray to God and ask him to make them virtuous women, women of change cos they've been too good to me.
And No this is not a BFF day, but i'd like to use this medium to appreciate a good friend of mine 'bb'.she's practically like my family, even though i don't necessarily tell her everything but the little that i tell her she perfectly understands,she's someone i can call a true friend , she's been there for me in times of need and i'm forever grateful for the affection, love and honesty shown to me everytime..I love u maami.